A Lot On My Mind

I don't think anyone really reads my blog. So I think it's safe to pour my heart out here a little. Do you ever wonder why certain things happen to you? Like why after 8 years your husband would just up and decide to leave? Then wonder why you waited around 4 years for him to grow up and come back to you? I mean seriously, I should have just cut my losses right? Any person in their right mind would have moved on.
Well, I guess I wasn't in my right mind. Depression does funny things to a person. Being alone everyday is rough. Wears a person down. Or at least that's what I thought. But what if having the person back is more stress than when he was gone? Don't get me wrong.... I love him, or the idea of him... Or maybe it's more like the old him that I fell for back in high school.
That's the ticket. I loved that silly, kind and wonderful man that I married. The one that put up with my folks when they tried to talk me out of being with him. The one that wrote silly notes in church to make me smile(and soemtimes laugh out loud). The one who was there for me when my great gram died. The man who tore an ice machine to pieces with his bare hands becuase he thought he was going to lose us in delivery.... I miss the way he looked at me. The way I knew when he said everything was going to be all right, that he truly he meant it. I miss the way he used to hold my hand and rub it with his thumb during the movies. I miss the way he would hug me from behind while I washed the dishes or was cooking.
Maybe that's why I still clung to the notion that things could be saved. A glimmer of hope when there is none. I might be wasting more time than I have... It is hard to see ahead thru all the bitter memories I have... But it is the good ones that kept me hopeful.
Certain things have come to light. Things that make me cry myself to sleep at night. Broken promises and lies. A two faced snake in the grass so called friend has again, it seems, unraveled my life. Not the first time of course. But as a friend said... Fool me once shame on you... Fool me twice...shame on me... Shame, shame, shame on me. So, now I am at a crossroads. So many decisions to make. Which ones are the right ones? I have no clue. But I have to take the steps to get there... Otherwise, I am back to square one and I am too old to be there again. If anyone reads this.... Just be careful...who you put you're trust in.... Sometimes your best friend is your worst enemy... and the person you love, just doesn't love you anymore....